Behavior is Communication… But That’s Not Enough!
You’ve probably heard it before.
“Just ignore it.” “Give consequences.” “You have to be more consistent.” Maybe you’ve tried all of it, but the behavior keeps showing up. The tantrums, the defiance, the shutdown. And at some point, you start wondering: Why isn’t this working? Many people think that behavior is a problem.Here’s the thing: it might look like the problem; it might feel like the problem; but behavior is actually a signal. It’s a child’s way of communicating something they don’t yet have the skills, words, or regulation to express. When we treat behavior as the problem, we focus on stopping it. But when we understand behavior as communication, we start asking a different question: What is this telling me?
What Might Be Underneath Behavior
What we see on the surface is just a small piece of what is going on for the child. Many things come into play when looking at why a behavior happens. Behavior can stem from the environment, skill set, neuroscience, development, and more. Most of the time, behavior often points to something deeper:
A regulation challenge (big feelings, overwhelmed system)
A skill gap (not knowing what to do instead)
A communication need (not having the words)
A mismatch between expectations and development
When these needs go unseen, behavior continues simply because the message hasn’t been translated and understood yet.
Why Many Strategies Don’t Always Work & A New Way to Approach Behavior
The most common strategies focus on changing behavior quickly. It focuses on stopping the behavior before the behavior is understood. There’s a secret to understanding behavior, though. ALL behavior has a need (some have more than one need), and once you can identify the need, you can better understand behavior. If the behavior need isn’t addressed, the behavior either keeps happening, shows up in a different way, or even intensifies. It’s not because you’re doing something wrong. It’s because the approach is targeting the surface instead of what’s underneath.
Instead of reacting to behavior, we can start to understand it. I created The Missing Piece Behavior Framework ™ just for this purpose. It is designed to be a framework for families to use to better understand behavior. The framework focuses on three main steps:
Notice what’s happening
Identify the need underneath
Act in a way that meets the need
By pausing, noticing, identifying the need, and meeting the need, we can shift from reacting to responding. When that happens, we create change that actually lasts.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
You might be wondering how this works. It seems simple, but we know that parenting and behaviors are anything but simple. So how does this look in real life? How can it help me and my child?
Supporting a child through a meltdown instead of shutting it down
Teaching a replacement skill instead of only reprimanding the behavior
Adjusting expectations to match development (not eliminating expectations)
Prioritizing connection before correction
These aren’t quick fixes. They won’t fix the behavior overnight. But here’s the thing: any “quick change” is often not a long-lasting change. When we take the time to understand what the behavior is telling us, identify the need, and then match our response to the need, we end up creating long-lasting changes.
Where to Start
You don’t need to have all the answers right now. You just need a different lens.
The next time behavior shows up, pause and ask: “What might this be trying to tell me?”
That question alone can begin to shift everything.